


Second Chance

by legolastariel



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 03:42:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7829125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legolastariel/pseuds/legolastariel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rick's thoughts and emotions in the scene of the halfseason finale (6x09), when he and his little group walk through the herd of walkers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Second Chance

**Author's Note:**

> Another 1st person POV story, based on Rick's thoughts and emotions. This was actually the first TWD story I ever wrote - my first attempt, so to speak. It's also the prequel to another story - _And when we meet again_ \- that I will post as soon as possible. 
> 
> I learned way after the halfseason finale, that the events of the entire first half of that season allegedly took place during only one or two days, no longer. Felt muuuuuuuuch longer though. :-) This is why I had Rick feel as though weeks have actually passed as well. :-) 
> 
> Unbeta'ed, so all errors are mine. :-)

**Second Chance**

 

It’s been so long – too long. They must have been out there for days now or even a week, perhaps longer. I’ve lost all sense of time. It feels like ages, since I last saw them – Daryl, Glenn, Abraham and Sasha - and so much has happened ever since. 

Alexandria fell. It’s been overrun by the walkers. Deanna is dead. Another allegedly safe haven is probably lost. The war is still raging mercilessly and we haven’t even won this battle. I don’t even care at this point.

Glenn is out there. He sent us a signal that he is okay and I still see the joy and relief in Maggie’s eyes, the way she stood there laughing and crying at the same time. Glenn, her Glenn is back and nothing else matters to her now.  
I wish I could have joined into her happiness, wish I could have felt the same way she does, wish I could have felt anything at all safe for an uprising panic and despair that takes hold of me a little more with each passing day and let the words got stuck in my throat and the smile never appear on my lips.

Glenn’s a great guy and deep down inside I _am_ happy that he’s back, but he wasn’t my number one concern these past days. 

There hasn’t been a word from the others. Not a sign. No gleam of hope. I know, I told Maggie that it’s never easy out there, but that they have always returned in the past. Daryl, Abraham, Sasha. Daryl, Sasha, Abraham.

I have to swallow hard against the lump in my throat. I’m not fooling myself any longer – there is a reason why I list up _his_ name first, always. It’s because he is priority, he’s my first thought in the morning and my last at night, he’s the one I try to contact countless times a day and almost despair over not hearing from. 

_“You’re my brother.”_

For a short moment tears pool in my eyes and I blink them away quickly. It’s neither the time, nor the place to fall apart now, but the memory hit me crystal clear all of a sudden.  
I still remember him sitting there next to me after that horrible night. A night when the person Rick Grimes ceased to exist, when the last remaining bit of innocence was torn and the beast inside each man was unleashed. Those men deserved what came to them, I’m not sorry for what I’ve done. They were out to hurt and kill my family and I couldn’t let them do that, but the brutal, inhuman way in which I acted left me shattered into a million pieces, lost in the dark, unable to find myself in all of this madness.  
And he was there, as always. Reassuring, supportive, considerate. He tried to take the blame, tried to explain how it was his fault that I turned into a monster. Was it that moment I realized who he really is, who _I_ am? The moment I knew how I truly feel for him?

_You’re my brother._

I’m glad I told him at least that and my heart aches again at the thought that I may never get another chance to say any more to him. Does he know? Did he understand back then what those words truly mean? I was such a coward, unable to say out straight what my heart has known for a long time. Unable to say out loud and clear:  
_I love you, Daryl Dixon._ I wasn’t sure he wanted to hear those words. Was afraid to push him away by too much honesty and the revelation of feelings, he may not be able to understand and accept, least to say reciprocate. But in times like these holding back and waiting for the right moment, means waiting for a time that may never come. These days more than ever before, second chances are rare and each day is a gift, not a given right. There may never be another chance to tell him.

The tears are back. Darn. Can’t break down now. Not here. Not right in the middle of a herd of walkers, covered in blood and guts, trying to escape with my children next to me. I look at the walkers surrounding us and almost expect an arrow from out of nowhere getting stuck in one of their heads any second now, but nothing happens.  
_Where are you?_ I need to know. I need to get out of here to go look for you. I need to see you again. Need to tell you how I feel. I need that second chance.

“Mommy?”

God, no, Sam! He needs to be quiet. Shut up, for God’s sake! He’s endangering us all – Carl and Judith, me, his own family … Jessie.

Funny, I thought I cared for her. And maybe I did – in the same way I’ve cared for all women in my life, including Lori. A strong attraction to their beauty, a longing for my body’s physical needs to be satisfied and the wish to have someone by my side, to not be alone. But not one of them, not Lori, not Jessie or any other has ever been able to touch my soul. They never really saw me, never knew who Rick Grimes really was and maybe they didn’t even care. I always felt it best to keep my guard up, never let my defences down, never felt completely at ease around them and sooner or later they all wanted to possess me, change me, mold me into the man they wanted me to be. 

_Daryl._

_“Who are you?”_

I still hear his words in my mind. A simple question he asked me such a long time ago. Feels almost like a lifetime and these days, maybe it was. Who am I?  
I can’t even tell anymore. I had a clear plan in my head of who I was, what I wanted and how I expected my life to be.  
And then it all came crashing down. From one day to the next everything fell apart and my world was turned upside down. I just told him my name back then and figured that was all the information needed. Wasn’t it obvious who I was? I was the leader of that group. I was _Officer Friendly_ as Merle used to call me. The guy who still believed in the good in this world, tried to protect the living, tried to hold on to hope, humanity and good will. The fool, who seriously believed that good things would come to good people and that in a changed and lethal world an endangered species like mankind would stick together.  
I learned the hard way how very much mistaken I was. My conception of the world was utterly crushed and I not only took off the rose-colored glasses, but the gloves along with them. No more mercy. No more questions first. No more benefit of a doubt. 

_“You are as cold as ice, Officer Friendly.”_

All their lives the Dixon brothers learned in a hard school, one that had no mercy on them, that taught them from an early age on that life was no Disneyland. Merle saw right through me back then. And I’m sure so did Daryl. The moment we met. The first time he looked into my eyes he _saw_ me, he _knew_ who I was and what I was, deep down inside.  
Yet while Merle saw the dark side of me, Daryl always ever saw the light – and I guess, he still does. No matter what I did, no matter what I said, he stood by me, for whatever it was he saw and still sees when looking into my eyes. He liked what he saw and never tried to change it. 

I cannot longer tell who I am, _what_ I am. I’m losing myself more and more and things are getting worse by the day. Daryl was my backup through all of this, my lifeline, my source of strength, my anchor to sanity – without him, I’m nothing. He’s touched my soul in ways no one else has ever done before and I cannot go on without him. Not without losing myself completely. 

_“I need you!”_

Didn’t you hear what I said to you the other day? Didn’t you understand what I meant to tell you? Don’t you know how important you are to me? Don’t you know that I love you? Where _are_ you?

“Mommy?”

Sam. He needs to shut his mouth _now_. The walkers are starting to notice him – us. One more word and they’ll be all over us. I cannot let him risk my children’s lives. My God, Jessie, make him shut up or I’ll have to do it. Do _what_? Kill a little boy, because he is frightened in the middle of a herd of walkers? Will the monster inside of me be unleased again today and if I let it, will there even be a trace of Rick Grimes left afterwards? 

There should be some kind of diversion now. Anything. Where is that arrow I’m so desperately waiting for? No matter how tight the situation, no matter how close a call, you were always there, saving us, saving _me_ , time and again. _Daryl!_ Something must have happened. This time it might be you, who needs help urgently and my stomach cramps thinking that I may be too late, that Sam’s stupidity may worsen this already tight situation and hold me up even longer. Too long. 

My fingers tighten around the hatchet in my hand and my eyes are fixed on Sam all of a sudden. I need to do something – now. For all of us. _For you, Daryl._

And when I find you, when we meet again, I can only hope that you will still recognize me, still see the same person you saw back then, still consider me to be someone you want to stand by no matter what, despite of who I turned into. 

_“Rick Grimes? Got something you wanna tell me?”_

I do, Daryl Dixon. I do. I just need a second chance.


End file.
